Changes and Improvements

Please excuse the length of this post. But please read the whole thing, if you want to know more. I know its a double negative, but for those who will take the time to read it, I appreciate your time. 🙂

There once was a time in my life that I thought the most important thing I could do, was to keep my kids and husband happy. It didn’t matter what struggles or adversities I went through, it would be worth everything to make sure my kids were content and not wanting for anything. To have my husband know that everything on my end was taken care of and he would never wonder what I was doing or where I may have gone that day. He would always be taken care of.

Now don’t get me wrong, there is something to be said for the sacrifices Mothers and Fathers make for their children on a daily basis. It’s part of being a parent. Same thing goes for being a spouse. Each of you has to give 100% to the marriage/relationship, or else it won’t work. It’s not 50/50. It is 100/100. Trust me on that one. But there is also someone else that needs taken care of and pampered too. Someone that Mothers, Fathers, husbands, and wives often forget in trying to keep the rest of the family happy:

Yourself.

I know how easy it is to put everyone else first. To get lose yourself in the everyday tasks of housework, laundry, cooking, babysitting, errands, phone calls, play dates, outside chores,  appointments….well you get the idea. And I am not saying that my life is harder than the next persons. I don’t think there is should be competitions on who went through the worst divorce, or who’s life is tougher than who’s. Everyone handles things differently and that is fine.

As a farmer’s wife, and a  special needs Mom, I found myself lost. I went back to school to get my associates degree last year (virtually), which is going well, but I was not organizing my time correctly or as well as I could have been. I was still putting everyone else’s needs and wants first, and not including what I needed or wanted. Some of you who have read my past posts, my know that in December of 2015, my middle son went to a Residential Treatment Facility (RTF) due to his ASD and behavioral issues. Since Cam has been away, we have been able to do little things that we weren’t able to do before, but we have also spent a lot of time where Cam is, and even taken Cam on a day pass to a battlefield in the area and toured it. Together. For the first time ever.We didn’t have to leave early, we didn’t have any arguments or screaming fits. And I actually witnessed my son using his coping skills on his own, for the first time ever. It was amazing!! I was relaxed on a family outing. And that’s when it hit me:

When am I going to focus on something I want to do, for me? I made the decision to go back to school, but that was also for our families livelihood. My major is in Agribusiness Marketing & Management. I love Agriculture. Its what keeps the world feed and healthy, and puts money in our pockets. I have a passion for what we do. I also am a co-leader for one of our county 4-H Dairy clubs. Both of the boys are avid 4-H members and love to show their dairy heifers. Even though Cam is not able to be an active member right now, he is still helping me (over the phone) with the care of his heifer, and now that she is bred, he will be getting her calf to show next year! He is very excited.

So I started thinking, I am passionate about agriculture, kids, and 4-H. What could I do with that?! While it might be easy for some people to come up with a ton of different ideas that work, I have problems with brainstorming workable solutions. My brain works so fast sometimes that thoughts get jumbled and ideas get twisted and they end up being ridiculously undo-able for a starter project. Then a changing moment happened. A very good friend of mine got into a debate with me over the dairy industry on my Facebook page. I was shocked at the information she had researched and found on the treatment of animals and how we produce milk. And no matter what facts I was able to give to her, she would not believe me.  That hurt, to know that people I care for were reading information that was not only fabricated, but grossly inaccurate about the dairy industry as a whole, strictly for an organizations movement of anti-whatever. I understand that people will only believe what they want to believe, and that is their right. But there is a difference between fact and opinion. I was so upset at this situation, that I literally could not sleep. And not at my friend, but at the resources she was looking at. The people that put these resources online or in a book and decided that it would be a good idea to invoke peoples emotions for the betterment of their own cause. Factually, the information she had was not true at all, or grossly exaggerated to serve their own purpose. And I realized there are probably tons of information of that nature, for every commodity we produce, in order to gain an emotional response to anti-whatever movement against agriculture in one way or another. They sure gained an emotional response from me, but I’m not sure they will like the end result.

And that’s when I knew what my passion is. I attended the PA Farm Bureau’s Young Farmer’s and Ranchers Conference soon after all of this happened and realized that I wanted to be more involved in some way, to help the Ag community spread truth and facts. To help the non-Ag community understand what we do and why we do it. And while I am actually almost too old to be involved in the YF&R committee (only a year left until I age out, but Paul is younger than me, so he is my ticket in 🙂 ), I found out about the PA Farm Bureau Ag Promotion Committee. Well that sounds exactly like what I was looking for, uh? So I am now our county Ag Promotion Committee Chair and possibly the district rep for the state committee (cause I have nothing else to do, right?). But if this is what it takes to help our communities understand the difference between what we do, and what you are being told, from the experts who actually do it, then I will spread myself as thin as possible in order to help educate and dispel the myths that have been out there for far to long.

And I can still volunteer my time with 4-H and be a leader and help the kids in the county get more educated about their own industry and the other Ag commodities that everyone enjoys everyday. Plus, I could also work with special needs kids and show them different careers they could handle in the Ag community. With my degree, I could even make a job out of this, while still helping at home. Its a win-win for me and hopefully, everyone else!!!

Don’t worry, I am not turning my blog into nothing but Ag Promotion information to cram down anyone’s throats (of course, there is always an unsubscribe button if you get the need to whine or complain about anything that is written. I am always up for questions and comments or differences of opinions, but trolling or bashing of any kind will be blocked). There will still be family drama, issues with life in general, a few DIY posts, and maybe even a funny story or two. 🙂

Changes and improvements are exactly what we all need sometimes. To ourselves, we need to put our passions into the mix of what our families need. Because if we don’t take care of ourselves, how can we take care of anyone else?

-Mel

The secrets we keep and the wisdom we share.

Last night I saw this article:
35 Secrets of being a special needs parent. It is on TheMighty.com website.

I decided to pick some of my favorites and added my own comments.

“I cry. All the time. Joy, frustration, exhaustion, successes, good days, bad days — I cry for all of them.” — I honestly don’t think there has been one day in the past four years that I haven’t cried.

“You’ll need a sense of humor… Fast!” — The only way I’d ever survive.

“It’s a lot harder than it looks. It infiltrates every crevice of your life and affects every minute of every hour of every day. It’s right there when you wake up in the morning and doesn’t stop challenging you until bedtime (and doesn’t stop even then).” — So very true. It consumes me. I try to have the most normal life possible for me, my husband and my two “typical” kids, but I never ever can forget how our life is ultimately different.

“You are not weak when you get angry and upset.” — I have to vent and rant and rave, to stay sane.

“You know your kid best. Don’t be concerned with what others say. Trust your gut.” — especially with his family on his Dad’s side

“You’re now in a secret world. You’ll see things you never imagined: ignorance, rudeness and discrimination. But you’ll also witness so many everyday miracles, and you’ll know it. You won’t think a milestone is just a milestone, you’ll know it’s a miracle and be present in that moment. You’ll treasure things most wouldn’t think twice about. You’ll become an advocate, an educator, a specialist and a therapist, but most of all, you’ll be a Mom to the most wonderful child.” — couldn’t of said it better.

“It’s lonely. But when you meet someone who gets it, it’s transforming.”— I can’t even begin to tell you how wonderful support groups are….

“There is consistency in routines.” — Not just for Cameron, but for me as well. It gives me a sense of calm, that can help me deal with Cameron so much better.

“I’ve found that optimism is exhausting and realism is a source of comfort.” — I remember being such an optimistic person growing up and in my younger days. Now I realize that being realistic about things doesn’t give you such a let down.

“It’s about progress, not perfection.” — Even the slightest bit of progress makes me feel like he is getting somewhere, and I always remember that every little step forward, might not be there tomorrow. Enjoy it while you can.

“Some things may never get better, but your ability to deal with that problem will improve.” — I hold onto this advice that someday this will come true…lol

“You have to also take care of yourself.” — This is a quote from the website, but to be honest, I credit this tidbit of information to my Mother-In-Law, who has to be the coolest woman I have ever met. She sat me down a long time ago and told me that I am worthless to Cameron, if I do not take care of myself. It took me a couple years, but I found out yoga does wonders for my mental health and my physical health, and THAT allows me to deal with Cameron’s meltdowns and temper tantrums in a better state of mind.

I know this post really doesn’t have an agenda, but hopefully someone will read this and get a better grasp of what special needs parents go through. Or maybe a special needs parent will finally feel understood. Or maybe even a special needs sibling will read this and know that they have the same feelings as their parents sometimes and that could bring them closer together.

Because you just never know who your words could touch.

Because when you have a child with ASD/Mood Disorders, there is no answer to the question, “Why?”

IF YOU ARE NOT PREPARED TO LISTEN TO MY UNAPOLOGETIC, EVERYDAY LIFE IN AN UNFILTERED, NON-EXAGGERATED AND COMPLETELY HONEST WAY, THEN DO NOT READ THIS POST. AT ALL. WHAT-SO-EVER.

YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.

I am feel like I am a complete failure.

My child. My Cameron. He has completely gone out of his proverbial mind. And I mean completely. He is having auditory hallucinations again (In other words, he hears voices in his head). He is hitting and kicking and spitting and punching and telling everyone he hates them and he hates himself and he is stupid and…..and I don’t know what to do for him.

And my head keeps telling me, I am letting him down.

My mind tells me I should be able to help him because that’s my job. I should know what to do in order to calm him down and keep him focused. I should know what call to make when things get too out of hand. When he is going too far and putting everyone’s safety at risk. Why? Because I am his Mother. I know him better then anyone. He is my own flesh and blood.

But I don’t know. I don’t know what is going through his head, or why it is there to begin with. I don’t know what happened to make him have a meltdown. I don’t know how to make it better, because what worked yesterday, does not work today. It’s making it worse. I don’t know what call to make, because no matter what I do, he will resent me for it. And worse, I will resent myself. I will take full responsibility for having to possibly hospitalize my 9 year old child, because I failed. I failed to make it better. I failed to stop it.

Now let me stop here and make one thing abundantly clear: I know I haven’t failed him. I do what I have to do, in order to keep him safe, and to keep my other children and family members safe as well. But that doesn’t stop any of us, for feeling like we failed him. And he feels that way more then anyone. Because one time, I did have to leave him in the care of strangers and walk away. I could only see him for an hour each day, like visiting a prisoner in jail. And that is exactly what it felt like to Cameron. Jail. How can I do that to him again?

Because there comes a time when no matter what you do, you can’t fix it. No amount of medication will keep him safe. There are no words that will make everything be ok, and no matter how long you just hold and hug him, it won’t be alright. There won’t be an automatic cool down, he won’t feel better after a 90 minute meltdown, and the relief you feel when he starts thinking about his actions, won’t come.

Because mental health issues are almost always unpredictable and sometimes dangerous.  Because escalations like this, in my world, are common. Because when you have a child on the autism spectrum, with a mood disorder as well, these days happen on a daily basis. And you always ask, “Why?”.

Strangers, who will read this post, or maybe see Cameron on the street having a meltdown, who don’t know any better, will try to give “helpful” advice. Like, “You know, you should discipline him more often”, or “You shouldn’t be raising a spoiled brat. That’s whats wrong with the world today.” By the way, I totally love those people. SO much so, I have been known to invite them to come to my home. They quickly decline. Go figure.

Family members might run away in fear of Cameron’s meltdowns, or even worse, try yelling at him. Don’t get me wrong, I have been known to yell at Cameron. I am not perfect by any means. But trying to have a yelling match with a 9 year old in a psychotic episode is not the way to go. Trust me on that one. Someday our families will understand what our children go through and apologize profusely. Maybe. Until that day, just realize that we are all human. Not everyone is in the position where they HAVE to understand.

As you can tell, I have seemingly switched gears. As though you may possibly have a small understanding of what I go through. Like we are in the same fight together. Well, we might be. There are a LOT of kids out there that suffer from serious mental health issues, not to mention the amount of adults that go through it as well. Some are diagnosed, some are not. Regardless of the circumstances around your life, I hope that you will at least understand why some parents always have that tired and glazed over, unfeeling look as their child screams down the aisle way. Or why these parents never have time to go out because they can’t find a sitter to watch their kids.

And for you. The parents or individuals that do have a similar life as the one I lead: I feel your pain. Your not alone. And even though others now know “why” certain things happen to friends or family or loved ones, we can at least ask a different “why” together. Our answer may never come.

But at least we care enough to ask it.

So after the holidays, my son will more then likely be going to a treatment facility to have his medication monitored,  and possibly changed, under direct supervision. To learn more coping skills and be evaluated extensively, to try and learn more about his disorders and mood swings, to try and help him. It will suck. A lot. I will be a complete and total wreck and my own mental health disorders will be at risk of flaring up and weighing me down. But I will do whats right for my son and I will be there for him and with him, every step of the way. My other children will question why I am not there for them 100% of their lives and they will probably resent me and/or their brother for “coming first” for a bit more then usual. But someday they will all hopefully understand why I do the things I am doing. And when that day comes, it will all be ok. And thats what I say to all of you now.

It will all be ok.

PSA: Tax time and Co-Parenting. What you should all know.

It really is true, what they say. There really are two sides to every story. But why? Why can’t there be one undeniable, unequivocal truth, that cannot be altered or mislead? Why do people have to “come up” with something better, bigger or more elaborate just to justify themselves in some other way? Why not just be happy with yourself? And if your not happy with the life you lead, then change it. Own up to the things that you have done and fix it for your future self, so you never have to deal with it again. Why is that so hard for people?

This question really comes up around tax time. Yes, I am bringing up the dreaded “T” word. As you look at your earnings from the past year, you tell people an “estimated” number of your earnings. Why? Because in some cases, you wish you made more and want to be important, or whatever your reasons may be. In other cases, you downplay the amount you made because it makes you fit in better (don’t ask me why someone would do this, because I really don’t know. It’s crazy. However, there HAS to be two sides to every story.). Other people might claim a dependant child that they really aren’t able to legally claim, and yet they do it anyway. Why? Because they need that extra child credit on their return so they can get something they want to get, or whatever their reasoning is. Ok, that was random, but it’s true. That really is the personal experience of hell I am living right now, because some people are complete morons. I am also completely positive that someone out there shares my pain. Because of that, I am looking into the “other side” of this particular story.

There are rules and regulations impeded upon us, by the good old IRS, that regulate who can and cannot claim a dependent child. For example, if in the tax year that you are filing for, you have financially supported said child, for over 50% of that year, and they physically live with you, as the custodial parent, you can legally claim them as a dependent. If you haven’t, or do not have a specific form giving permission to you, by the custodial parent, to claim said child for that tax year, then you may NOT claim that child as a dependent. It sounds like a lot, but its really quiet simple. Either the child lives with you and you pay for at least half of that child’s daily well being, or have permission by the custodial parent OR you don’t and you can’t. If you lie on your tax filing, then you will ultimately be screwed and could possibly face jail time, but will face an audit of your earnings and pay back any and all of the child credit you received and spent. Not too hard to understand, right?

And yet we still have people who are either too stupid, stubborn, egotistical or just plain ridiculous, try to “pull one over” on the parent that DOES have the right to claim the child as a dependent. And guess what? They will. Guess what else, El Stupido? You will get caught. Because when that letter comes and it says, “This child has been claimed already on a tax return. Please send us supporting documents to show you have the legal right to claim this child as a dependent.”, and you say, “Oh s&$%, I don’t have supporting documents, because the custodial parent never gave me permission and this child doesn’t live at my address (Handy Hint: the school records will show that, stupid), and I do not have any legal right to claim this child and I just wanted the extra money!”, Uncle Sam will say, “Well now you have to pay all of that extra money back, plus a penalty fee. Oh and we are going to audit your whole return and your prior returns too, just in case.” Now, do you want to rethink your bad judgment call? Because I definitely would.

And for the Parent who is trying to do the right thing? Yeah, your going to be screwed for a little, while the IRS figures all this out and finally sends you your return. But in the long run, the idiot that decided that they wanted to do it their way, is going to get it in the end. It’s really not your problem. Even after they called you up and told you they were planning to claim the child, and you tried to be the nice person and talk them out of it, because its illegal. And their response was, “Well I know a guy that claimed 6 kids that aren’t even his and he didn’t get in any trouble.”, just nod and smile and think about how nice the sunny west coast is and tall all the beautiful palm trees are and forget about the utter stupidity you are hearing. It is not worth stressing over.

Because seriously, you don’t know the other side of this story. Maybe that person has had a serious brain hemorrhage and cannot comprehend factual logic anymore. Or maybe they are being misinformed by a crooked family member and cannot handle the truth. So do not be quick to judge, my friends. For there really are two sides, to every story.

::Insert face palm here::